I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
You Might Also Like
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Just added something to my bucket list.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The best plant holders?
The real reason evolution started..😂
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.