[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?