[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sharon, call the vet
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.