Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back