[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*