Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

Tell me you get it…🤣

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.