Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

If you know, you know

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.