@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

@iamhorcrux

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@gabemakesmusic

I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children

@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher