Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher