[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.