Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

My sex drive has a dui

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

i think we should see other cousins

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Wake me when AI does housework

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.