I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)