[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.