Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?