I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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Someone just threatened to call me later
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Gods work.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
the red hot silly peppers
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.