Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

San Francisco has too many rules

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no