I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.