Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair