I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
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This is the greatest and I won鈥檛 hear otherwise.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he鈥檚 mainlining that panera lemonade
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa鈥hat鈥檚 enough
2) see number 1
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He鈥檚 from now.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
for dessert we鈥檙e having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn鈥檛 laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn鈥檛 lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don鈥檛 whine about it all the time. Southerners. 馃檮
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
ME: Gosh it鈥檚 murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they鈥檙e onto me.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
villager: ah! run! it鈥檚 frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i鈥檓 frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein鈥檚-
frankenstein鈥檚 monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein鈥檚 friend
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”