@markleggett
Next month on the 13th, the date will be 13/13/13.
@rhysjamesy
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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@markleggett
@twitishinvasion
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
@80sjams
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
@mattchew81
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
@ramblinma
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
@ilovepie84
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
@mattZillaaaa
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
@shutupmikeginn
Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
@LifesGoodThing
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
@BlindChow
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*