I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.


He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor


. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that


Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.


“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably


Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”


Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213


A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.


wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same


[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.