I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

You Might Also Like


What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?


*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!


A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”


I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.


“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.


I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them


Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.


My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.


DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*