@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

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@twitishinvasion

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

@80sjams

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

@mattchew81

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@mattZillaaaa

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

@shutupmikeginn

Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

@LifesGoodThing

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*