I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.