Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
wife: how was your first day
me: i was a baby
wife: i meant at work
me: *crying again* same
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.