Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

New mindset, who dis?

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic