Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Well, this is awkward

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave