Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.