Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.