I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Baking is just science you can eat.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK