Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.