I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You Might Also Like
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.