Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

OH. COME. ON.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.