I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You Might Also Like
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car