I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.