Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids