Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird