I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.