I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.