Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.