I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
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I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Perfect
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!