I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
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There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
me in a relationship:
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job