I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Children of the corn 🌽
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Good morning
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?