I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.