i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
edward fingerhands
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.