I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
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Just me and my debit card against the world
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Worst perfume name ever.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.