i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life