I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.