I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
You Might Also Like
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
🍞🦆
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”