I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I enjoy a good short stor
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Mouse
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.