Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.