Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”