I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Batman v Dracula
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe