Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]