Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato