Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

23. the denim jacket

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete