I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.