I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Noted.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Dumplings,
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.