I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
A family that plays together cheats.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.