Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine