I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?