I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.