Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

#ParentingFacts

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen