Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.