I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
even bears disappoint their mothers
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.