I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
You Might Also Like
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted