I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Spring cleaning checklist…
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Joseph Smith, 1833
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.