Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”