I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.