I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.