I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Important reminders
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.