I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
did it work
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.