I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO