Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Hmmmmm

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.