Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will