Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG 🤣🤣

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.