Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Yes

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.