I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
absolutely not
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Confused owl: What?!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters