Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

Joseph Smith, 1833

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

next question.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Needless to say…*

*mic drop